I choose to stay

Why are you here? Good question. Is it to  win a spelling bee? Is it to sleep all day? Get a good act score??? Are you here because of God or something else? Well that's a discussion for another day.  

Your purpose on this earth is not yet fufilled until your last dying breath. 

Why do YOU chose to stay in this life?

I choose to stay because I have a future family waiting for me. 

I choose to stay because I love watching movies.

I choose to stay because the best parts of my life haven't even happened yet. 

I choose to stay because I can't help people I love if I'm gone.

I choose to stay even though high school was rough. 

I choose to stay because i like the butterflies I get around you. 

I choose to stay because I have a mission to serve. (Even if it's just a short 18 months)

I choose to stay because my grandma isn't ready for me yet in heaven.

I choose to stay for the little moments that make me feel alive. 

I choose to stay because without pain we wouldn't feel joy. 

I choose to stay for the crappy days at work when your manager yells at you for wearing rad socks.

I choose to stay because I want to make a difference. 

I choose to stay to see my niece watch frozen 100 times in a row

I choose to stay because let's face it someone needs you. And you need them...

We help each other out. And with kind words exchanged. Maybe a compliment or two, you could see how beautiful this world is and how much more beautiful it is with you.

 

True passions don't pay the bills kids

What I've learned in these past few weeks of college is that you have a lot of fun but at the same time you work your butt off doing general credits that don't associate with your major at all. Ridiculous right? Now I'm just complaining. 

Here's my real problem. 

Whatever you are truly passionate for you have to throw that idea to make room for a financially stable job.

You can't be a writer and support a family. 

You can't support a family based on your passions.

Why is that? 

We sit and wonder what it'd be like to do what we love but remember what dad said when he said, "you need to get a real job and throw away that silly childhood dream"

We're taught that all you need in life is love. 

If that's true why is there so much sorrow. 

If all we need is love then we should be able to pursue what we love.

There should be enough jobs available to do what you love. 

But in the end it's all about money and greed and putting dinner on the table. 

You get your education and make your parents happy but don't forget what truly matters. 

Passions. Love. Life. 

Another real talk

In my other real talk you read or if you were in class for the slam poetry final heard me talk about high school and the struggles or frustrations that comes with it. Trying to find yourself in a crowd of lost souls isn't easy. Trying to impress mr. Nelson with some words on a computer screen made you feel good enough in this big world. Until we all graduated and now realize how big this world really is. Then all of a sudden girls are getting married left and right. You see old high school friends dying or just old memories fading. What we thought was hard actually was easy. We wanted out of high school because we thought it'd get easier. Now the grades actually mean something. The grades you get determine whether your future family eats. You have to put in long hours studying just to get a job with more hours and it just never seems to end. Hours and hours of stress and sadness so what does that leave us in the end? Sure we have things like love...the thing we still can't comprehend because stupid high school boys ruined it for us. We are expected to be adults just because of the number 18. One year older and wiser too? I think the birthday song should say one year older and going crazy isn't something new. My mom expects so much out of me, my dad gets mad at everything I do, my sister still treats me like crap but theirs nothing I can do. Growing up is a part of life they say. I just want to watch blues clues and having the only thing to worry about is how to tie my shoes.

The chase

First it was you. 

The chase was for me you had your eye on the prize and it caught me by suprise. 

I thought you were a little bit strange but my curiosity for you was infinite.

Still I continued to have my guard up. 

I wasn't sure if this would just be another game. 

Until I got that first phone call that's when it all changed. 

Your silly nicknames and humor only kept me wondering. 

Who is this guy? 

Is he just messing with me or is this real cause I was drawn to him like it was no big deal. 

I sat there wondering it was probably a joke and I thought I was right. 

Soon after the talking had ceased of course I thought nothing of it because I thought it was just a fling. 

Until I heard a ring ring. 

It was him just asking how my day was and I was just fine. 

He'd ask me to go kite flying but instead I declined. 

My feelings were numb and I thought all hope was lost. 

Until one day I got a few short messages that I would never toss. 

I hope you enjoy all this cheesiness cause it's what I couldn't get enough of.

Hey darlin, I know sweet talk doesn't work on you so I won't even try- but know this: you occupy my mind all day. Goodnight baby girl. Expect a nice long phone call tomorrow from yours truly XOXO

Beauty queen, you would be proud to know that i'm spending all my time studying real hard lately so I can become successful and marry you and build you a big house and take you on fancy vacations...I just have to pass this calculus test though! Goodnight shawty! Should we meet in my dreams as usual?

At this moment 13.7 million people are sleeping, 12.3 million are falling in love, and 14.1 million are still awake doing whatever. & the most sweetest girl ever ;) is reading this message goodnight Kate... And have a great day tomorrow luvr. :)

Wow! You are good with words. Is this like a tag team? Now I get to go? I could be so lucky to get to spend more time with you! You are beautiful, yes- that's obvious...but you have something real unique that draws people to you, i'm drawn to you. By now you've figured out that I can be kind of a flake, all the girls in SF coulda told you that. But I like you Katiegirl, it makes me happy to be by and talk to you. Let's make that happen more! You made my day

Haha goodnight text are overrated... And super cliche      so this is my good morning text beauty queen. :) I hope you wake up (even though you dont need that beauty sleep) energized for the day. You deserve something great to happen to you... I bet youll sing to the birds princess Kate. Goodmornig k-swizzle

Soon I got caught up in other things and all of a sudden the chase reversed.

 It was me wanting you but not you wanting me. 

To be honest I never thought it would get to that point. 

I didn't think you cared anymore but then we shared one last kiss. 

It was silly and to be honest I was actually pissed. 

But my heart raced more than ever with just one kiss.

I couldn't put my finger on it, what I was feeling. 

We talked in the car for hours and I saw a side to you I'd never thought you'd be revealing. 

That funny guy everyone loves was vulnerable when I thought it wasn't possible. 

That's when I knew he was the best option for me. 

It's to bad it couldn't work out for me.

It was his time to leave and serve his religion leaving me behind with some bread crumbs and pigeons. 

I didn't say bye against my own will I was stuck with so many questions. 

I kept on asking my self is this real? 

No goodbye, no chance to say how I feel. Now I have to wait 2 years to tell him that the love I have for him is real.

Too many goodbyes not enough hellos

We are at that point in our lives where we seek for affection. 

There is a problem with this. It's also the worst time to hold on. 

Holding on to something that's just barley in your grasp. 

You think it will be there forever then it will just be a memory that you'll look back on and be like that's what it was like to be in love. 

Real love. 

Not this "honey I'm home crap" no it's hey let's sneak out and look at the stars untill we get caught. 

Let's get lost in eachothers eyes and not lost in our next months rent. 

High school love is real love you just have to learn to let it go

Parents 101

My mom just took me aside and is worries I won't take college seriously because I like to play too much. 

Mom just know:

-You have no idea what I've been going through lately and frankly you're too old to care.

-I just graduated from high school and it's summer aren't you suppose to be having fun? 

-maybe if you'd get to know me you know I can apply myself to anything.

-maybe if you'd go out to lunch with me when I ask you you'd see I'm not some dissapointment silly teenager you claim me to be.

Mom, you got mad at me for taking a nap at a friends house, what's next? 

Honey go pick up your heart

We always here the phrase: 

"Honey pick up your clothes"

"Honey did you feed the dog today?" "Honey do this"

"Honey do that" 

Here's what I here when those words are spoken: 

"Honey did you feed your heart yet today?"

"Honey will you go pick up your heart from the driveway?"

"Honey there's something for you in the mail I think it's your heart"

"Honey don't sleep with your heart on it wastes our money" 

Mom quit asking how my damn heart is and just tell me to do the dishes. 

When you realize you love someone it's a beautiful thing.

When you realize you love someone you would do anything.

When you realize you love someone you know it's forever.

When you realize you love someone there is no stormy weather.

When you realize you love someone you feel like you can touch the sky. 

When you realize you love someone you can see it in their eyes. 

When you realize you love someone things start to get better.

When you realize you love someone you realize they can't lie. 

When you realize you love someone you would die just to be surrounded by that one special guy.

Where is the Little Dipper

Looking at the stars has been one of my favorite things to do since I was little. 

But I've never been able to find the Little Dipper.

I've always enjoyed the twinkling lights, the late nights.

But I've never been able to find the Little Dipper. 

Looking in your eyes and seeing them glisten with a sparkle more rare than diamonds,

But I still have never seen the Little Dipper.

Everytime we kiss I feel like the stars collide, 

Except for the Little Dipper.

Does it even exist? 

Does he even exist? 

I can't find him. 

His twinkle is dull and he's hard to find. 

He might just be a figment of my own mind. 

But I've never been able to find the Little Dipper. 

He's just waiting for me to find him, even if he doesn't exist.

You wanna know what I hate? That you have to be diagnosed with depression.

It takes 2 weeks of sadness to be clinically diagnosed but that's not how it should be. 

Those little moments in time that your heart hurts so much and you can barley breath without crying. 

People literally try to shove happiness down your throat and everyday you breathe with corrupted lungs never knowing when you can truly breathe again.

The next day could be better but that's not enough to be clinically diagnosed. 

When your parents keep rambling on about how rebellious you are trying to be when your really just trying to fit in.

When you're at work and your boss tells you all of your mistakes and you just can't take it anymore. 

Where's your diagnoses for that. 

Well here is the cure. Appreciation. 

Notice and appreciate accomplishments. Give them a reason to live, breath, love. 

Give them meaning, give them life. 

You may not think so but it will save their life.

Green means go

Have you ever stopped at a green light? You may piss off the people behind you but you stop because you want that moment in time to last longer. 

Have you ever stopped in the middle of a kiss and think you could do this forever but then realize it was just a moment in time. 

Do you ever look at little kids and say wow I wish I could play for hours and have no worries. 

Do you ever look at your parents and say I will never treat my kids like you treated me and take a second to realize maybe they were right. 

Moments in time. Glimpses of the past. Things you wish to happen again and things you want to forget. Memories are memories and they're hard to regret. 

Who you grow up to be depends on you. You grow up to be something new. 

The dreams you once had and the life you once knew was a glimpse in time of the real you. 

Like stopping at a green light, it might say go but all green lights turn red so stop cause if you go in the intersection you might become dead

Lost souls

Where do we go from here?

We were given a cap and gown and soon realized it was a bribe. 

A bribe to leave and never return. 

What we thought would be the best day of our lives turned out to be one of the most life changing.

Go on with your life put on a suit and tie and sit at your desk job reminiscing on the glory days. Kick back and listen to some journey because you stopped believing a long time ago. 

Come home to your kids, eat dinner, sleep, repeat. 

Your dreams don't fit on your schedule anymore so you toss them in the back of the closet like that old yearbook from high school. 

Thinking back you remember who you wanted to be, and sure enough you are reminded of who you are. A mindless money making drone. A dreamless drone. Convergent not divergent. Typer not a writer. You replace your old colored pencils for some nice stationary and overpriced pens. 

Then you just think, the dream dies when high school ends, trading a cool cap and gown for a life with no friends 

How to be a legend

The one and only Hazel Grace she is a legend yep. now I'm a legend yep. bye

#realtalk or #reallife

If you really knew me you'd know when the pen names were revealed I was a little nervous but not a whole lot. I don't like to keep secrets. of course I have my fair share of secrets however. It never occurred to me that a class could change my life but it did. I never thought you could be creative and be successful. Nelson taught me that it was possible. Here is a little bit about me, the real me.






You'd know I am terrified for the future and who will still be in it.

You'd know I'm not a very good writer.

You'd know I don't look at the examples Nelson puts up because I like what I write even if he doesn't.

You'd know I'm not very close with my family.

You'd know what happened in third grade changed my life.

You'd know that I hate cleaning my room.

You'd know I have very strong beliefs and I'm very passionate about them.

You'd know I have had my heart broken more times than my fingers and toes.

You'd know that I have always tried to impress nelson with my writing.

You'd know that I have switched friends too many times.

You'd know that I am insecure around my friends.

You'd know that I enjoy sleeping because it consists of not socializing.

You'd know twitter is not acutally my life (lol)

You'd know I really enjoy photography but feel like its too stereotypical around here.

You'd know I used to love to draw.

You'd know I am a video game nerd like no ones business.

You'd know I have never felt accepted at lone peak.

You'd know that I hate wearing skirts.

You'd know I used to be blonde and I will be again soon.

You'd know that I'm very sensitive to words you say about me.

You'd know that I buy summer clothes in the winter and winter clothes in summer.

You'd know that I am going to school to be a nurse.

You'd know that I would rather do something else other than nursing but scared to disappoint my parents with my dreams of doing something bigger in the world.

You'd know when I was a kid I had a dream. I had a dream that one day I would be an artist. I only thought an artist was someone with a pencil and paper. I have learned that it is so much more than that. You can apply creativity to anything that you do. Whatever dream you have you have to have passion. I believe that having passion is being creative and that is being an artist. Creating a masterpiece from your own mind. If you really knew what being an artist was you'd know,

Inspiring someone else is being an artist.

Loving someone is being an artist.

Caring for someone is being an artist.

Doing the impossible is being an artist.

Telling your mom thanks is being an artist.

Walking down the street is being an artist.

Falling down and getting back up is being an artist.






Your very being, your very soul is an artist. Your passion for love and life is so large and you have a life to live. You don't have to be an artist to be an ARTIST. just like albert einstien failing the 6th grade 3 times he was never the smartest but then he became an artist.


 Here's to the future hopefully the artist in you will never die.

nobody comments on my blog and I've never been on the top 5 does that mean I suck lololololololol

Stealing like an artist: photography edition

I live in Utah how much more stereotypical could I get?? I like taking pictures it's like stealing like an artist right??

I don't say what I mean I mean what I say

Relationships are a sticky situation. 

You will always care for the other person even if you break up or don't even "like/love" them anymore. It's complicated and sometimes you say things you don't mean about the other person. Sometimes you look for a way out of caring for someone but it's human nature we care regardless of the situation and regardless of the circumstances. You may not always like who they end up with especially if it was someone you were close to. You make mistakes and it leaves you alone with only god to forgive you. Please comfort my aching soul. I need a way out from this place where I care too much, for people who don't give a damn about me. I need to know I won't be alone much longer. Loneliness will eat you alive and consume you untill you become a monster who tries to destroy other people's happiness with your raging grief. All you can do is wait. Wait for someone to say hey maybe you're not so mad you're just okay. Okay enough to love okay enough to wife. Maybe there's someone I could be with for the rest of my life. So I stay here caring and waiting for the day. The day I say I do is when the pain and loneliness seem to go away.

Utah made me a photographer

Crossroads

Going through highschool trying to belong is our biggest problem. 

We graduate in less than a month. 

Then where do we belong? 

Nowhere. 

Our voice is taken from us and all we can do is pray someone still hears us. 

We may go to college

Get a job

Have a kid

Fall in love 

Whatever it is we'll still be lost just waiting to be found. 

If I learned anything from highschool it's that people listened to even the littlest sound. 

They watched you 

They learned from you

Did people see you how you saw you?

Did you leave knowing someone left a better person? 

People cared for you because you did you. 

Someone in that school was a better person because of you. 

It's not fitting in or belonging that mattered. 

It was knowing you left as you. And they did too.

How to fix a broken heart

You don't. Continue to get it broken. Why? Because if you get your heart broken it will open and when it opens you let hope in. Try to let that soak in. 

Open to possibilities 

Open to take chances 

Open enough to see what you truly want

When your heart is open for all to see, I know there's a chance. Maybe you and me.